You’re not Good for me | How to Identify & Separate from Toxic Relationships

(Time Code 2:10) There just seems to be these people in our lives that have a lot of drama… And then there are others in our lives that seem to have no drama and are able to handle situations with a different perspective.Screen Shot 2015-02-10 at 6.16.58 AM

What’s important is how we interpret situations. So why do these black cloud people seem to attract really positive people? Well, a lot of us like the thought of being able to help someone else or save someone else.

(Time Code 5:30) For me it started when I was about 10. We lived out in the country and I remember walking home and sometimes finding wounded birds. I would bring them home and I would care for them. Eventually they passed and I realized that I didn’t have the know how to save these baby birds. As an adult I started realizing that I was attracting wounded birds and it came to a point where I needed to make a decision to pull away because it was affecting a lot of areas of my life.

(Time Code 10:00) Look I’m not a therapist, but these are the steps that helped me get through this. First I talked to my therapist. And she helped me realize that I was trying to be the hero, and that I had enabled people to become co-dependent on me. Here are the questions I learned to ask myself:
– What % of time is this person in a bad situation, because its just plain old bad luck?
– Does this person continue to make bad decisions?
– Have you found that they do not reciprocate the support you’ve given them?
– Do you a lot of the time, feel like you’ve done something wrong, even though logically you know you’ve done nothing wrong?
– You feel like you have to take care of this person and you’re always the one paying the bills, or stepping up and saying you’re sorry?
– Is this person there for me as much I am there for them?
– Do I feel responsible for this persons happiness?
– Do they rely on me to help bail them out for everything?
– Do I feel responsible for their emotional state?
– Do I see more potential and more greatness in themselves than they see?
– When I get a text from them, is my response “oh great, what is it now”?

(Time Code 14:10) Now you have to decide what you’re going to do about it. This isn’t about someone falling on hard luck and you helping them out. This is about someone who is a continual dark cloud in your life that is always fighting some kind of battle.

(Time Code 15:40) So how do you go about shifting this person out of your life? You have to make an adjustment in how you respond to this person. It requires you taking a shift in your thinking. Sometimes you do have to “break up” with a friend. That might require a uncomfortable situation. But know that it will benefit both of you.

(Time Code 17:50) So what do you do if this dark cloud in your life is your spouse? You have kids… you don’t believe in divorce… So how do we create change that motivates the other person to change? I think it’s important to look at yourself and see what changes you can make in you that will motivate other person in the relationship to create change in themselves.Screen Shot 2015-02-10 at 6.21.23 AM

(Time Code 21:40) Sometimes the best approach is therapy. I am such a big proponent of therapy, and it’s great t have a expert help you through some tough times or times that you just need someone to shoot it straight with you. This is especially important if you’re married to someone who you feel like you are always having to take care of. I wish I could tell you its easy, but it’s not. The honest truth is, its tough… but it’s worth it! If you love each other, you’ll both make the effort to change it. If you’ve already decided that its not possible or that your partner isn’t going to go to therapy, then you’ve already pre-set you mind that it’s not going to work.

(Time Code 27:00) Even though I am a huge supporter of therapy, you can make change on your own,. So here are some great resources for you.

Screen Shot 2015-02-10 at 6.08.22 AMBook by anonymous author Peace: Psychopath Free: Recovering from emotional abusive relationships with narcissist, sociopaths and other toxic people.  Amazon Link – CLICK HERE 

Henry Cloud: Necessary Endings Amazon Link – CLICK HERE   Safe People Link – CLICK HERE Screen Shot 2015-02-10 at 6.07.28 AMScreen Shot 2015-02-10 at 6.07.43 AM

Don’t be afraid to work on yourself and understand that this is a process.  When you become more self aware you will find relief in your life.

 

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