Most of us have, at least, heard of the 5 love languages. This notion comes from a book, titled: The 5 Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman. He leans on his decades and decades of experience with pastoring and marriage counseling. The 5 Love Languages thesis isn’t exactly a scientific thing, but, rather, an observation. Personally, anyone I know whose read this book has found that not only does it help them in their romantic relationships, it helps in ALL relationships.
What Dr. Chapman does is group the way all of us feel — an emotional connection — down to 5 different areas. Which is super helpful in marriage, sure, but it goes broader than that.
Let’s start by identifying what the “5 Love Languages” are:
1) Words of affirmation
The way you feel love is when people express their affection or appreciation for you / to you through either spoken or written words.
2) Acts of service
People show they respect you through their actions.
3) Receiving gifts
Expressing love and admiration for others by little symbolic gifts or gestures.
4) Quality time
Feeling recognized when people give you their undivided attention.
5) Physical touch
This is not necessarily what you’re thinking. It can be the touching of hands or a pat on the back.
Now, when might it be a good idea to figure out which of the 5 love languages most applies to someone in your life?
Answer: The one person in your life right now — who’s important to you — where things feel a bit (or very) off.
Maybe you’re not gelling, connecting the way you once did, or the way you need to. In your heart of hearts you know something is wrong. Your energies aren’t aligning anymore.
At such moments, spend a little bit of time trying to determine her love language. It’s such a great conversation starter in a friendship or at work.
Once you understand which of the 5 love languages best describes her, it’s so much easier to connect.
Find out what she needs, and then remember it. You’ve got to respect it, too, because making that mistake, not respecting how important someone else’s love language is, is to disrespect or invalidate that person. It can be very hurtful.
Here’s a story about that might drill home how we have to respect each other’s love languages…
10 years ago-ish, Bret, my siblings (and their spouses), and I recognized that we’re at this stage in our lives where buying presents for nieces and nephews is great – but to buy gifts for each other seemed kind of silly. It just added more stress. I proposed to my brother and sister,
“Hey, instead of us all continuing to exchange gifts — even with mom and dad — let’s just pick a charity or maybe a military family and pool our funds. We’ll make it really meaningful.”
They were totally down with that. I remember I called my dad and ran the idea past him.
Then, I don’t know, maybe a week had passed. I found out that my mom was really hurt by this. And I didn’t respect the fact she was hurt.
I said to my dad,
“Why does mom need a gift to know that we love and appreciate her?”
“You don’t have to buy a gift for her, but you don’t understand, Chalene. That’s her favorite thing to do. She loves buying you gifts. That is what she loves to do. And yeah, she likes getting gifts. Doesn’t have to be something big, but it’s how she feels appreciated.”
You know, at the time, before I read The 5 Love Languages, I just didn’t really understand my mom’s perspective. I’m so happy now that I have clarity!
Remember, it’s not just about YOUR love language. It’s really respecting the fact that OTHER people feel appreciated in ways that may be different than the way YOU feel appreciated.
Listen, may I be frank?
This week is my birthday week. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for all the bday greetings in social media, however! Allow me to share with you how you can truly show me appreciation. It qualifies as an Act Of Service — my secondary love language!
In doing so, you would grant me the ability to perform an act of service because what I’m doing for anyone who pre-orders the book is giving them something extra special!
After you pre-order the book, simply go HERE – scroll down a tad to “I’ve ordered already!” – and enter your order number. And then you’ll receive a virtual coaching program based around mindset! A huge bonus, I know, but I NEED to show my appreciation for picking up the book in advance! It just mean so much to me!
By the way, you literally CAN shift your mindset and I want to coach you through that process. I’ve seriously created this FREE series only for those who have pre-ordered the book!
That’s, legit, all I’m asking for my birthday. It’s how you can do an Act Of Service for me. In return, you can allow me to do one for you.
Keep that in mind for all your relationships moving forward. Love you.
Oh! And I think you’ll freakin’ love the podcast this blog originally stems from, How to Win at Relationships with the 5 Love Languages — on The Chalene Show! I’m able to throw in MUCH more detail on each of the love languages with a whole bunch of personal anecdotes I know you’re going to be obsessed with! So, after you pre-order the book, LISTEN to the show!